I, me and myself

“When we are young we look forward to future, but as we grow old we start looking back” – J. Krishnamurthy

Just back from a Euphoria gig at Shaniwarwada fort in Pune. Palash Sen said “Euphoria completes 12 years in 2011. We debuted with a strange sounding song ‘Dhoom Pichak’…” This statement brought back a sudden flash of memory. There are some memories imbibed in your mind which are sharp as a Kitana, clear as a Crystal and crisp as a Papad. No matter how old you grow it stay the same way.

I remember discussing about this song with a senior school mate of mine. She belonged to a bunch of kids who shared the same auto-rickshaw to go to and come back from school. (I was also a part of that bunch). I remember there were 10 of us and we used to fit in a single auto-rickshaw. (Nothing unusual for us Indians 😉 ).

“It starts off well but gets boring in the middle.” She commented when I curiously asked about the song. The song had started airing on TV in a few seconds promo and she had bought the cassette(Yes! Cassette. No CD/MP3 download). Her cold review didn’t dull my enthusiasm for the song and I waited till I had saved enough amount from my Pocket Money to buy the cassette. I instantly fell in love  with the song.

“…we surely have come a long way” Palash Sen had said. “And so have I” I thought. Contemplating, what you were at some point in time and what you are now can be dangerous. It is like sticking hand into a bee hive. You put your hand to fetch sweet honey and what you might get is an angry swarm of bees. I kind of refrain from going down that path. But as Yudhishthir said in his answer to Yaksha that the fastest thing in this universe is the mind(Not Light, you dumbass western meat bags). My mind was already onto it.

The first thing I remember from those days is how painful was it for me to go to school. I hated that. Sometimes when my cousins came over to my place we used to devise plans to avoid school.(It worked a lot of times). I remember once a guy from the other section asked me that whether I am the same guy who came to school only once a week. I was annoyed by the very idea of wearing knickers (half-pants :P). I was so uncomfortable with girls (especially the pretty ones) that I took every opportunity to avoid them. I was shy, timid and hardly spoke a word in public (I know many won’t believe this). I remember during the science class even I knew answer to any question I would not stand up to speak, instead I used to tell that to my partner(as in w shared the same bench) who used to answer the question.(and obviously got the credit) Once I was to do a role in a class activity where I had to play the Weather man in a mock News Bulletin. I had my line written on a piece of paper. When I stood up infront of audience of 40 people, I chickened out without saying a word. The teacher yelled “Kanungo you have your lines written. Read that.” I didn’t. I was a school bully’s favorite. Even guys who were my friends didn’t spare me (Now I know how much they would’ve enjoyed. Bastards).

Going by my parents word I was a dream kid. Why? Because I never nagged for anything. If they told me to keep quite I did that. If they told me to eat I did that.

(I don’t know why I am writing all this??….NO I am not drunk)

Now my mind is overloaded. This is not the first time that such thoughts came to me. Few weeks ago I was travelling on a bus to Indore and person sitting next to me was puking like a hydrant. At that I remembered how sick I used to get while travelling by a bus. (it still haunts me)

If I look at myself now the motion sickness is gone, but I have started nagging for things that I know are senseless. I am amazed to find how I have changed (not saying it as good or bad) or probably I haven’t. It is just the morphosis of my self-image. (Sorry. Have been reading psychology off late). I leave it to people who know me(read YOU) to decide this. This is not just about me, I wrote this from my perspective, but each one of us will surely find interesting things that have happened to them and their personality during the journey of his/her life which have shaped the way they are now. It is just that we never reflect on this. And also that person, who you think once you were, still remains somewhere inside you, under the hood of your ‘now’.

As Euphoria’s song goes “…तेरे होठों की छिपी हंसी में, मैं महफूज़ हूँ”

I ride to my place and Harivanshrai Bachchan’s famous poem lingers in my mind.

जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।

जिस दिन मेरी चेतना जगी मैंने देखा
मैं खड़ा हुआ हूँ इस दुनिया के मेले में,
हर एक यहाँ पर एक भुलाने में भूला
हर एक लगा है अपनी अपनी दे-ले में
कुछ देर रहा हक्का-बक्का, भौचक्का-सा,
आ गया कहाँ, क्या करूँ यहाँ, जाऊँ किस जा?
फिर एक तरफ से आया ही तो धक्का-सा
मैंने भी बहना शुरू किया उस रेले में,
क्या बाहर की ठेला-पेली ही कुछ कम थी,
जो भीतर भी भावों का ऊहापोह मचा,
जो किया, उसी को करने की मजबूरी थी,
जो कहा, वही मन के अंदर से उबल चला,
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला