4th September 2009, 23:40 hrs. I don’t know what to write and how to start. Today something happened, something that was waiting to happen, sitting there in the closet and waiting to be taken out. It was due since a long time.
Most of you are familiar with misadventures of my love life (those who are not can refer to the article Love Actually on the same blog, even if you are not dont worry read along.). Tonight it came a climax. Communication revolution has changed the world, and has resulted in more efficient networking among humans. It was due to this that without much effort I finally got HER number. Getting her number was never a tough task as we are from same school and same college so lots of overlapping friend groups is there. Anyways she was now in a new phase of her life, and so am I. Away from home, working for an ‘IT’ company.
I got her number and decided to call her on Friday evening. I was planning this for the whole week. I consulted friends and made notes on what to talk and how to talk. I knew all this would not matter much, for when I will hear her voice I will lose hold of things and when she knows I am calling she will certainly not like it. After a long hiatus of more than 1 year I was calling her, even the last time I called her was not a very successful outing. I should’ve known this earlier that this will do nothing and it can’t get worse than this. Actually deep inside somewhere in the deepest fathom of my consciousness I knew it will never work out. But love is the most unbelievable thing of all. When you are in love you are not ready to accept the most rational thing if it disagrees with your belief. I knew calling her wont help in any ways but some part of me, a larger part was pushing me to do it. The excuse that I was giving myself to call her was to know the reason for why she hates me, the way she does. To know the reason for sudden dissolution of our relationship (?) I was backing myself to call her. I knew it was a lost cause but I was not ready to accept it. It’s like a cricket match where you know India is going to lose the match but you still watch it till the end just in case a miracle happens.
So, after all the preparations when I came back from the office on Friday, I took a pillow and a mat to the terrace and called her. There was an unidentifiable fear harped in my mind although I knew she hates me and now no power in this world can get us together and this is the worst situation and nothing worse can happen.
“Hello” she picked up. I noticed her voice was not as soft as it used to be, gaiety was lost. Working as a professional maybe brought about this change. I wanted to tell her this but more important things waited. “Hi, is this K?” I conformed. “Yes. May I know who is calling?” she asked in the same cold manner. These were the same words what she spoke when I made the first call to her in school. It almost felt like I was committing a crime, firstly I was calling on her landline number (school children in those days didn’t carry cell phones) and also because I was afraid if it will be accepted at her place or not. I didn’t know if it was alright with her parents. I still remember the number of her land line phone.(oh God…). Very frightened I asked on the phone “may I talk to K?” and she answered with the same question that she was asking today. Only the melody in her voice was gone, it seemed corroded. I wonder if she is having a throat infection.
“It is Rohan” I answered. I anticipated an angry response, but there was just a sigh. It was like she was saying to herself that oh God not again. “How are you?” I asked. “Fine” it was the regular answer. “So what’s happening?” I asked to bring in the friendly air which we shared a long time back, but now it was just a faint memory, fainter for her. “Kuch nahi. I was just talking at my home, I will talk to you later.” She said and disconnected without hearing anything.
I knew (I am an idiot) that something of this sort will happen. It had happened in the past when she had replied similarly to avoid me. (man I cannot write…………Hmmm) . But after such response of hers I had never called her back. This time I consulted a very good friend of mine, Pavan. He told me call her again after 10 minutes and if there is similar response then she is not worth it.
I waited and called her after 15 minutes. “Hey..” I tried to start the talk but before I could continue, she started, this time in harder tone “tumko ek baar me samajh nahi aata. Why are you insisting on talking to me? I am not interested in talking to you. Dubara mujhe phone mat karna.” It seemed she had prepared it in advance. She was assailing me. “Just once?” I asked. “No not even once. Don’t you understand I don’t want to talk to you.” My appeal was rejected. I was such a shame. How could I stand this, I didn’t have any self respect for that moment of time. “Please” I pleaded. “GO TO HELL” she said before disconnecting.
I was lying on the terrace of my penthouse flat in Bangalore watching the clouds pass by and stars peeking out of gaps between the barrages of clouds. It took me sometime to take in what had happened. I am still coming to terms at it as I write this. I am emotionally numb. I can’t feel a thing. I was nothing unexpected but still I was shocked. I couldn’t say whatever I intended, instead I was pleading, like a beggar. She had said what she wanted but I couldn’t.
The best memories of her I have are from our school time. We were in class 12th and our classes were officially over. We were asked to come to school any day we want for getting the no dues certificate signed and taking the hall ticket for board exams. Coincidently (!!!) we both came on the same day and nobody else in the whole class came. It was the best day I had till then. We went around the whole school getting the no dues certificates signed from every department. I was like being on a date. There was nobody in the class and we stayed back for the whole time, 8 to 1.
After the mysterious break in our relationship some things were due for both of us. She was filled up with anger and hatred and I wanted to know the reasons for such behavior of hers. She had now cleared her dues but mine still remained. By writing this I am getting things out of my mind, maybe this is my way to clear my dues.
The most shocking thing for me was to find out the extent up to which she hates me. I am still not able to believe it. I used to think that she doesn’t like me anymore but now I understand she just loathes me. I never thought anybody hates me this much. I am astonished how she hated me this much and why I loved her. I see no point but there is no point in love. I couldn’t say a word to her in retaliation.
I was aware of status quo but I never accepted it. This was the thing that stamped it. It brought the truth and planted right into my face and it was just. It was right. I had to be punished for being such an idiot, for knowing the reality and not accepting it.
Whatever happened happened for good. It was necessary for me. I was having a fixation. I knew it was going nowhere, but I had her on my mind all the time. I was fast getting obsessed. It had to finish. If this wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t have realized and accepted the fact. Now it is done. I wish to seal it in a locker and through it into the deepest abyss of the farthest sea. In the end it has made me realize I was being such a jerk. With her out of my mind maybe I will be better off.
It had surely ended a long time ago but I was living in shadows of memories. After this edification maybe the clouds of obsession in my mind will clear off. I remember that when I was young and something which I didn’t wanted happened my mother said whatever happens, happens for good. So let’s hope she is right.