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How to ‘almost’ kill a faculty member in an engineering college

Disclaimer: This is a true incident that did happen. No matter how unbelievable this seems, it happened. Please don’t ask when, where and with whom. I have withheld names for reasons of privacy.

This is story of a batch from one of the zillion Indian engineering colleges. The batch was in its first year of college. February was the month and the college annual function was closing in. The first year in college is daunted by seniors though but in this college the management also dominates the freshers. Some over enthusiastic bunch of guys, trying to gain overnight popularity, decided to participate in the annual function. The best thing they could do was mock someone. So the wise one suggested that they should participate in the annual function with a skit, which was a spoof on the Indian film industry. They were initially told that being a fresher you don’t dare such kind of thing, as the seniors will not like this. But like most Hindi film heroes undaunted by the threat they went ahead. The skit was to be presented in front of selection committee and they needed time to practice it. In the college they couldn’t think of bunking the class for that. Even if they were able to dodge the faculties the wrath of seniors was bound to catch them. So they realized that they had only two options either they back off from the scheme or they must bunk the college and not come at all. But as the saying goes Pran jaye par shan na jaye, even the greatest of fear would not have distracted them from their path. Because, ek baar jo unhone commitment kar di to wo apne baap ki bhi nahi sunte.

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Apart from the skit a dance item was also being prepared by their classmates, who were more interested in the booty shaking and body aching form of art. So it was about half the class involved in the activity and all had the same big question. When and where do we practice?

As it happens in all good masala Hindi films, the help came from the Gods. Lord Shiva came to their rescue. It was not that Shiva himself came down from the icy abode of Kailasa. The God of gods doesn’t even need to blink one of his two eyes (shhh, we don’t talk about the third one! Pralaya). It was Maha Shivratri or the occasion celebrated as Shiva’s birthday (if I can call it a birthday, because technically Shiva was never born, more on that sometime later). The college had not declared a holiday for this occasion. Although none of the people planning to do the skit would utilize the holiday for any religious purpose, almost all were offended. They took the matters in their hands and some how convinced the rest of the class to go on a GT (General Tadi or GT means as mass bunk, a local slang)

If the college authorities had enough funds they would have put speech analyzers all around the campus for monitoring the word ‘GT’. It was the one thing which should not be named. But had our protagonists stepped back just because of this fear, thing would have just like the usual – boring. And this story would not have been there.

Coming back to what happened next. Over all it was a successful feat, they had successfully performed the first GT of their college lives.(Pat on the back! Applause)

After practicing the fine arts of acting and dancing for a whole day at a friends place. When the next day they came back to college there was a buzz. Everybody was talking about a serious action been taken against the class. Soon the thunderbolt came upon them. Dr. Lion King (AKA Chin 2.0), the director of the college along with Mr. Mother-of-groom, HOD mechanical department came to our class. They were all much tensed for what they will do to us. They had heard a lot about Dr. Chin 2.0. Even the Bravo seniors (4th year guys) wet their pants due to fury. There were legends about how he punishes the culprits. It was rumored that he will hit with anything that comes to his hand. He holds your hair tight in one hand and makes you bend over your back before he starts punching your back with his other hand, holding anything that comes in front of him.

Mr. Mother-of-groom on the other hand was not so famous for anything. At first look he seemed like a regular old guy who has had enough from life and had a significant bald on his head. On the other hand Dr. Chin 2.0 was a big man, his appearance was intimidating, and he had a huge belly and used suspenders to support his pants. The most freighting thing was that he was a retired army officer and had that hostile air that army men have for their enemies.

It was couple of days after the GT feat when they came to the class. Mr. Kyu-Sir was lecturing on Engineering Physics. Mr. Kyu-Sir was a flatterer; he was always trying to impress Dr. Chin 2.0. As they came in, in true filmy style everybody was stunned. Nobody spoke a word, not even Mr. Kyu-sir. Dr. Chin 2.0 started writing something on the board. The class thought that finally he has taken the matter into hands, frustrated with the stinking notes that Mr. Kyu-Sir taught us, and will teach physics from now on.

But to everyone’s surprise, what he wrote was a numbered list. Everyone was totally confused. The numbered list said

1)      Get suspended for 30 days

2)      Deduction of 5 marks from sessionals

3)      Rs 500 fine on each student.

These were the three options that the class was given. They were to choose their own punishment. A true act of typical Hindi film villains. Moreover at that time Kaun Banega Crorepati (Indian version of Who wants to be a millionaire) was quite popular. So it was not very difficult to guess from where the inspiration came.

“We won’t talk about what you have done or why you have done. We just want to know how will you pay the price.” Declared Dr. Chin 2.0

“You have three options. Get suspended for 30 days, deduction of sessional and a fine of Rs. 500.” He said.

“What will you like?” he asked. This question frightened the hell out of everybody. No one had a clue. And the biggest fear was that if anybody told about the skit and the dance they will face the rage and also will not be allowed to perform.

Nobody in the class dared to answer everybody was trying to think. Some wished that they had the lifelines the participants had in KBC. They would’ve gone for 50-50 so only 1 and a half choice would’ve left.

But they couldn’t ask for anything here. Suddenly a student spoke. “Sir these 5 marks are to be deducted from total of the sessional or from each subject separately?” It was Paw-on. Everybody was shocked to hear that. How could he ask a thing like that thought.

Even though the situation was tensed. The simple question from Paw-on brought in an unintended laughter, students tried to conceal it. As soon as he asked this something happened to Mr. Mother-of-groom. He started having nausea. He started having shorter breaths and almost fell on the chair and was almost unconscious.

They thought he had a heart attack after listening to what Paw-on had uttered. Dr. Chin 2.0 was helping Mr. Mother-of-groom to recover but it seemed Mr. Mother-of-groom was fast getting unconscious. People were frightened as nobody understood what to do. “Sugar” Shouted Dr. Chin 2.0 as if he had broken the code and got the cure.

Mr. Kyu-Sir soon dispatched a student, Go-rub, to fetch sugar from the Physics lab.

Meanwhile, Mr. Mother-of-groom was still lying unconscious taking long and distant breaths.  Dr. Chin 2.0 was trying to talk to him. I wonder what an effect Paw-on’s question had on this old man that he is knocked down to unconsciousness.

His situation started worsening and he turned down to puke. He vomited on himself and the disgust was clear on the students sitting close to him. He also started groaning. Sounds that people make when they are possessed, came out of him. It was getting scary and bad. Mr. Kyu-Sir had almost shitted in his pant and was standing there trying to think (!) what to do.

Soon Go-Rub came back with a glass of water and some sugar. Dr. Chin 2.0 ordered Kyu-Sir to mix sugar in water. Kyu-Sir put all the sugar into the water only to find that there was no spoon to stir. Mr. Mother-of-groom was still unconscious. Most of the students were convinced that he is surely going to die and they might get another holiday and this time officially ;).

But Mr. Kyu-Sir found out a way to stir the water by using his finger as spoon. He was also very afraid of Dr. Chin 2.0 and didn’t want to upset him. He was in double thought as what to do. If he is late in mixing water and sugar and something happens to Mr. Mother-of-groom, Dr. Chin 2.0 will certainly do something bad to him. But on the other hand if he was not able to find any spoon and using a finger which was dirty and was covered completely with chalk dust will only inflict more dangers of infections. But Mr. Kyu-Sir went ahead to deal with the present problem first.

As he finished stirring the water Dr. Chin 2.0 poured it into Mr. Mother-of-groom’s mouth. As soon as the glass of sweet water went in Mr. Mother-of-groom stood up quick like a rabbit.

“So what is your decision?” he asked. The class was stunned once again as what was all this. This guy nearly escaped a life threatening situation and they are still bothered about the GT. Still nobody answered, all were freaked out with what had happened. There was a stunned silence as no one could think of a possible answer. Some thought of the Addad-Bakkad method used for objective type questions in India, some were thinking of asking – Sir answer kya lana hai? As they always do in practical experiments.

The dashing duo didn’t have enough time for the students to come up with anything concrete so they went away without any solution and told that as the class had not opted for anything, they will decide it by themselves.

Later it was informed to all that Mr. Mother-of-groom was a diabetic and the situation he was in when he fainted was of hypoglycemia, the lack of sugar in blood.

Paw-on, the croaker, didn’t stop his big mouthed adventure jut there and after all this had finished a circular came to the class. Paw-on in his heavy and loud voice said “ek gaya nahi aur yeh dusra aa gaya” he should’ve considered the position at which he was sitting. He was sitting in the first row and was clearly heard by Mr. Kyu-Sir.

Even if it wasn’t the first row Paw-in’s voice would’ve made it to Mr. Kyu-Sir’s ears. It was just to hear this that Paw-on was sent out of the class for rest of the time.

You want to know what happened next. Well, this is pretty much it, the annual function got cancelled that year. But they surely became a rage in college afterwards, with their plays, stand up acts and dances.

I would come back with more such incidents from the engineering colleges. If you have one which you think should be shared with everyone here for the sake of spreading the smile. Do write to me about that and we (you and me) will put something together.

Note: People who have a ‘Kidda’ for knowing the real names of the people involved in the incident can either try to translate the names that I have given or try to find a name which sounds familiar in pronounciation 😉 

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I, me and myself

“When we are young we look forward to future, but as we grow old we start looking back” – J. Krishnamurthy

Just back from a Euphoria gig at Shaniwarwada fort in Pune. Palash Sen said “Euphoria completes 12 years in 2011. We debuted with a strange sounding song ‘Dhoom Pichak’…” This statement brought back a sudden flash of memory. There are some memories imbibed in your mind which are sharp as a Kitana, clear as a Crystal and crisp as a Papad. No matter how old you grow it stay the same way.

I remember discussing about this song with a senior school mate of mine. She belonged to a bunch of kids who shared the same auto-rickshaw to go to and come back from school. (I was also a part of that bunch). I remember there were 10 of us and we used to fit in a single auto-rickshaw. (Nothing unusual for us Indians 😉 ).

“It starts off well but gets boring in the middle.” She commented when I curiously asked about the song. The song had started airing on TV in a few seconds promo and she had bought the cassette(Yes! Cassette. No CD/MP3 download). Her cold review didn’t dull my enthusiasm for the song and I waited till I had saved enough amount from my Pocket Money to buy the cassette. I instantly fell in love  with the song.

“…we surely have come a long way” Palash Sen had said. “And so have I” I thought. Contemplating, what you were at some point in time and what you are now can be dangerous. It is like sticking hand into a bee hive. You put your hand to fetch sweet honey and what you might get is an angry swarm of bees. I kind of refrain from going down that path. But as Yudhishthir said in his answer to Yaksha that the fastest thing in this universe is the mind(Not Light, you dumbass western meat bags). My mind was already onto it.

The first thing I remember from those days is how painful was it for me to go to school. I hated that. Sometimes when my cousins came over to my place we used to devise plans to avoid school.(It worked a lot of times). I remember once a guy from the other section asked me that whether I am the same guy who came to school only once a week. I was annoyed by the very idea of wearing knickers (half-pants :P). I was so uncomfortable with girls (especially the pretty ones) that I took every opportunity to avoid them. I was shy, timid and hardly spoke a word in public (I know many won’t believe this). I remember during the science class even I knew answer to any question I would not stand up to speak, instead I used to tell that to my partner(as in w shared the same bench) who used to answer the question.(and obviously got the credit) Once I was to do a role in a class activity where I had to play the Weather man in a mock News Bulletin. I had my line written on a piece of paper. When I stood up infront of audience of 40 people, I chickened out without saying a word. The teacher yelled “Kanungo you have your lines written. Read that.” I didn’t. I was a school bully’s favorite. Even guys who were my friends didn’t spare me (Now I know how much they would’ve enjoyed. Bastards).

Going by my parents word I was a dream kid. Why? Because I never nagged for anything. If they told me to keep quite I did that. If they told me to eat I did that.

(I don’t know why I am writing all this??….NO I am not drunk)

Now my mind is overloaded. This is not the first time that such thoughts came to me. Few weeks ago I was travelling on a bus to Indore and person sitting next to me was puking like a hydrant. At that I remembered how sick I used to get while travelling by a bus. (it still haunts me)

If I look at myself now the motion sickness is gone, but I have started nagging for things that I know are senseless. I am amazed to find how I have changed (not saying it as good or bad) or probably I haven’t. It is just the morphosis of my self-image. (Sorry. Have been reading psychology off late). I leave it to people who know me(read YOU) to decide this. This is not just about me, I wrote this from my perspective, but each one of us will surely find interesting things that have happened to them and their personality during the journey of his/her life which have shaped the way they are now. It is just that we never reflect on this. And also that person, who you think once you were, still remains somewhere inside you, under the hood of your ‘now’.

As Euphoria’s song goes “…तेरे होठों की छिपी हंसी में, मैं महफूज़ हूँ”

I ride to my place and Harivanshrai Bachchan’s famous poem lingers in my mind.

जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।

जिस दिन मेरी चेतना जगी मैंने देखा
मैं खड़ा हुआ हूँ इस दुनिया के मेले में,
हर एक यहाँ पर एक भुलाने में भूला
हर एक लगा है अपनी अपनी दे-ले में
कुछ देर रहा हक्का-बक्का, भौचक्का-सा,
आ गया कहाँ, क्या करूँ यहाँ, जाऊँ किस जा?
फिर एक तरफ से आया ही तो धक्का-सा
मैंने भी बहना शुरू किया उस रेले में,
क्या बाहर की ठेला-पेली ही कुछ कम थी,
जो भीतर भी भावों का ऊहापोह मचा,
जो किया, उसी को करने की मजबूरी थी,
जो कहा, वही मन के अंदर से उबल चला,
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला

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