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Love Actually(?) 2 : No Dues

4th September 2009, 23:40 hrs. I don’t know what to write and how to start. Today something happened, something that was waiting to happen, sitting there in the closet and waiting to be taken out. It was due since a long time.

                                Most of you are familiar with misadventures of my love life (those who are not can refer to the article Love Actually on the same blog, even if you are not dont worry read along.). Tonight it came a climax. Communication revolution has changed the world, and has resulted in more efficient networking among humans. It was due to this that without much effort I finally got HER number. Getting her number was never a tough task as we are from same school and same college so lots of overlapping friend groups is there. Anyways she was now in a new phase of her life, and so am I. Away from home, working for an ‘IT’ company.

                I got her number and decided to call her on Friday evening. I was planning this for the whole week. I consulted friends and made notes on what to talk and how to talk. I knew all this would not matter much, for when I will hear her voice I will lose hold of things and when she knows I am calling she will certainly not like it. After a long hiatus of more than 1 year I was calling her, even the last time I called her was not a very successful outing. I should’ve known this earlier that this will do nothing and it can’t get worse than this. Actually deep inside somewhere in the deepest fathom of my consciousness I knew it will never work out.  But love is the most unbelievable thing of all. When you are in love you are not ready to accept the most rational thing if it disagrees with your belief.  I knew calling her wont help in any ways but some part of me, a larger part was pushing me to do it. The excuse that I was giving myself to call her was to know the reason for why she hates me, the way she does. To know the reason for sudden dissolution of our relationship (?) I was backing myself to call her. I knew it was a lost cause but I was not ready to accept it. It’s like a cricket match where you know India is going to lose the match but you still watch it till the end just in case a miracle happens.

                                                                                                                So, after all the preparations when I came back from the office on Friday, I took a pillow and a mat to the terrace and called her. There was an unidentifiable fear harped in my mind although I knew she hates me and now no power in this world can get us together and this is the worst situation and nothing worse can happen.

                                                                                                                                “Hello” she picked up. I noticed her voice was not as soft as it used to be, gaiety was lost. Working as a professional maybe brought about this change. I wanted to tell her this but more important things waited. “Hi, is this K?” I conformed. “Yes. May I know who is calling?” she asked in the same cold manner. These were the same words what she spoke when I made the first call to her in school. It almost felt like I was committing a crime, firstly I was calling on her landline number (school children in those days didn’t carry cell phones) and also because I was afraid if it will be accepted at her place or not. I didn’t know if it was alright with her parents. I still remember the number of her land line phone.(oh God…). Very frightened I asked on the phone “may I talk to K?” and she answered with the same question that she was asking today. Only the melody in her voice was gone, it seemed corroded. I wonder if she is having a throat infection.

                                                                                                “It is Rohan” I answered.  I anticipated an angry response, but there was just a sigh. It was like she was saying to herself that oh God not again. “How are you?” I asked. “Fine” it was the regular answer. “So what’s happening?” I asked to bring in the friendly air which we shared a long time back, but now it was just a faint memory, fainter for her.  “Kuch nahi. I was just talking at my home, I will talk to you later.” She said and disconnected without hearing anything.

                I knew (I am an idiot) that something of this sort will happen. It had happened in the past when she had replied similarly to avoid me. (man I cannot write…………Hmmm) . But after such response of hers I had never called her back. This time I consulted  a very good friend of mine, Pavan. He told me call her again after 10 minutes and if there is similar response then she is not worth it.

                                                                                                                                I waited and called her after 15 minutes. “Hey..” I tried to start the talk but before I could continue, she started, this time in harder tone “tumko ek baar me samajh nahi aata. Why are you insisting on talking to me? I am not interested in talking to you. Dubara mujhe phone mat karna.” It seemed she had prepared it in advance. She was assailing me. “Just once?” I asked. “No not even once. Don’t you understand I don’t want to talk to you.” My appeal was rejected. I was such a shame. How could I stand this, I didn’t have any self respect for that moment of time. “Please” I pleaded. GO TO HELL she said before disconnecting.

                                                                                                                                                I was lying on the terrace of my penthouse flat in Bangalore watching the clouds pass by and stars peeking out of gaps between the barrages of clouds. It took me sometime to take in what had happened. I am still coming to terms at it as I write this. I am emotionally numb. I can’t feel a thing. I was nothing unexpected but still I was shocked. I couldn’t say whatever I intended, instead I was pleading, like a beggar. She had said what she wanted but I couldn’t.

                                The best memories of her I have are from our school time. We were in class 12th and our classes were officially over. We were asked to come to school any day we want for getting the no dues certificate signed and  taking the hall ticket for board exams. Coincidently (!!!) we both came on the same day and nobody else in the whole class came. It was the best day I had till then. We went around the whole school getting the no dues certificates signed from every department. I was like being on a date. There was nobody in the class and we stayed back for the whole time, 8 to 1.

                                                                                                                                                After the mysterious break in our relationship some things were due for both of us. She was filled up with anger and hatred and I wanted to know the reasons for such behavior of hers. She had now cleared her dues but mine still remained. By writing this I am getting things out of my mind, maybe this is my way to clear my dues.

                                                                                                                The most shocking thing for me was to find out the extent up to which she hates me. I am still not able to believe it. I used to think that she doesn’t like me anymore but now I understand she just loathes me. I never thought anybody hates me this much. I am astonished how she hated me this much and why I loved her. I see no point but there is no point in love. I couldn’t say a word to her in retaliation.

                                                                                I was aware of status quo but I never accepted it. This was the thing that stamped it. It brought the truth and planted right into my face and it was just. It was right. I had to be punished for being such an idiot, for knowing the reality and not accepting it.

                                                                                                                                                                Whatever happened happened for good. It was necessary for me. I was having a fixation. I knew it was going nowhere, but I had her on my mind all the time. I was fast getting obsessed. It had to finish. If this wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t have realized and accepted the fact. Now it is done. I wish to seal it in a locker and through it into the deepest abyss of the farthest sea. In the end it has made me realize  I was being such a jerk. With her out of my mind maybe I will be better off.

                                                                                                It had surely ended a long time ago but I was living in shadows of memories. After this edification maybe the clouds of obsession in my mind will clear off. I remember that when I was young and something which I didn’t wanted happened my mother said whatever happens, happens for good. So let’s hope she is right.

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Love, actually

(This might seem a bit filmy and dramatic but its a real incident from my life.)

You missed your bus yet again, but how does it matters you are in the last semester of your engineering. It will not matter even if you don’t attend your classes. This was exactly what you were doing since last week. Today is a different day you are experiencing a strong urge to go to the college. You can take the second trip bus, which comes in after an hour or so. However, you decide to go by public transport. Immediately you take a city van to reach Rajendra nagar, from where you would get the bus for your college. You are waiting there and as usual, there is a lot of crowd. It is almost crunch time here. You realize you will have to go hanging and balancing in several poses all along the way.

                        The first bus that arrives is overfilled so much so that it seems to spill. You have a theory about busses: – the bus that follows an overcrowded one would be less crowded than the first. Therefore, you decide to wait for the second bus. Soon it arrives and stops exactly where you were standing. As you look into the bus, your heart misses a beat then a second and a third. You feel like having a stroke. No signal from your brain. No it’s not the crowd that is bothering you. It is the girl sitting in the front seat. She someone you know from your school. Both of you were in same class. Now even the college is same but the streams are different. You are in love with her since high school. She was a good friend but now she ignores you as if you do not exist, as if you are invisible. You still love her. People say she has a boyfriend, you still love her. She has acted many times as if she hates you. You still love her. As you see her, she also sees you. She immediately looks away, into a book she is reading. Soon you realize you have to hop onto the bus else, you would miss it too.

            It is January, pretty cold. You are wearing a pair of jeans teamed with a white cotton shirt along with your college blazer, which you are wearing just to recover the money you have (over)paid for it. You get inside and you see that although this bus is less crowded but still there is no room inside so you have to stand at the gate, right in front of her. Fortunately or unfortunately.

                                                                                                            The two of you are not on talking terms since second year of your college. You start thinking that it is so unusual that you took the public transport first time in the semester and you banged into her. You remember how you were in engineering college in Hyderabad and you quit there and came back to Indore for counseling. The moment you entered the counseling hall the name being announced was hers. You were totally unaware of the fact that she was also having counseling the same day as you. And unknowingly you two took the same college. You thought, at that time, that this was your destiny and your belief in your love towards her became stronger. Like it happens all the time in movies, only in movies. Now your misconceptions are corrected.

                                    The radio is on in the bus. They start playing a song from the movie ‘Jab we met’ it is “Naa hai yeh paana …” (Romantic Hindi song – ‘Neither this is losing, nor winning it is’)now your emotional turmoil starts to heat up. You remember how good friends you two stated to be in the school. You remember the first day of your college. When due to some incident you were apprehensive about talking to her and you remember how she came to you and relaxed you. You start thinking why you to have stopped talking? But you don’t find an answer. She is still reading the book. It is Ayn rynd’s ‘fountainhead’. She is not looking up at all. You know why, because if she looks up she would have to see you. She does it all the time, ignores you.

                        Bus is moving on the full swing. Conductor-cum-cleaner-cum-usher-cum-ticket clerk comes at you “Where to?” he asks. But you don’t answer. “Hey where to?” he asks again, you still don’t answer. “Have you consumed bhang?” he snaps his fingers at you. Your trance finally breaks. “Oh Medicaps” you give him five rupees. You realize that lots of noise and ruckus is going around you and even after that, you got lost in your thoughts. “Bheed me khamoshi hai thodi si behoshi hai…”(There is a silence even in the crowd, a bit of intoxication lingers) the song goes on.

                                    She ignores you. She doesn’t want to talk to you or even see you but you still love her. You are obsessed with her she is on your mind almost every time and this has been so since last 5 years. You need to forget her, for that, you must ignore her as she does. You have tried it but you know ignoring is not going to do the trick. You are not able to ignore her. You need something more drastic, more severe, and more effective. Hate her, you must try to hate her, after all what she does to you isn’t right. You try to do that but not unlike ignoring hating is also unyielding. You can’t hate her no matter how bad she treats you. You realize your feeling you start thinking what went wrong? You weren’t that bad a choice. You almost cry, but you cannot. This is the irony of being a guy, you have to act strong and even if a tear rolls down your cheek you have to blame it on the strong wind blowing in or something that struck in your eye.

                        You decide to try hating her once again, for the last time. “Medicaps” shouts somebody. Both of you get out of the bus. She starts towards the college walking on the uphill road. You stay back and walk behind her, even if you can go ahead. Just because you can see her for few minutes more. You know you can’t hate her. Now you understand this is what they call love, actually.

 

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