Category Archives: कभी कभी कवि
एक झील है यहीं पास में
तेरी आँखों से गहरी और मेरे अरमानो से ज्यादा थकी हुई
किनारे उसके टहलने चला जाता हूँ कभी
वो जो गाना था हम साथ में गुनगुनाते थे
पत्थर बाँध कर उसी झील में फेंक आया हु|
यूँ घबरा मत, वहां हो महफूज़ है|
झील के ताल में धरा है|
पापा के स्कूटर, लकड़ी-गारे के पुराने घर, दादी की कहानियो, नाना के पेड़ो, माँ के गुर्दे और दोस्तों की साइकिल से निकली हवा के साथ|
वैसे तो गोता भी मैं ठीक-ठाक लगा लेता हूँ
पर इस झील में कम ही लगता हूँ|
अन्दर जाने के ख्याल से ही सांस रुक सी जाती है|
लेकिन आज बात कुछ अलग सी हो गयी है|
अब तू आ ही गयी है, न चाहते हुए गोता तो मैं लगाऊंगा ही
पता नहीं फिर कब बदन सूखेगा?
पता नहीं कब मैं उबर पाउँगा?
Do you know who you are?
Has anyone ever told you who you are?
That careless nod of yours tells me that you don’t know what you are. Believe me, you don’t.
People think they know you, you think people know you, but most of the people around you are not aware who you are. It is the most insignificant part of you that they believe to be you. Can the depth of an ocean be judged just by looking at the waves on the shore?
Ask me and I will tell you who you are. Only those who have seen the starlight know of its soothing luminescence. The cool, white light that penetrates all that is superficial and enriches the deepest trenches of one’s soul. And you are that rare starlight which is bequeathed on a fortunate few. Those who know the real you value you. We are blessed to have you as part of our lives. You are god’s gift to the world, and he surely does not make your kinds anymore. Behind that casual smile and that gentle frown is a soul that is exceedingly pure. So much so that I am scared of myself ruining its purity. And when the world hits you, it is so heart breaking for me to see this miserable world make you suffer, the light of your soul gets shrouded by the malignant tricks of the world.
It is in these times that you need to realize what you are. Never let anyone make you feel belittle or demean you because that person is not even half of what you are. You light up the lives of people around you without even knowing it. And for my selfish interest I would never let the light go out of my life.
Suffering, yet again, from a relentless attack of insomnia I lie down in my room looking at the ceiling. I have long given up on trying to find a solution to my sleeplessness. I turn around and look at the state of my room. To an untrained eye my room would seem like an ultimate mess, but to me it is as organised as a military arsenal. I know exactly where I have kept something. I love it this way. I love the chaos and I love how I can still find things amidst all this.
But today when I look at my room a thought strikes me. Something much more than just a commentary on my lifestyle. Isn’t my room a perfect manifestation of the state of my mind? The more I look around the more this makes sense. Memories, faith, insecurities, fear, chaos, passion, prejudices and filters everything was there.
At the far diagonally opposite end stands the cupboard. It is stuffed with random things and I rarely open it. There are things in it which I avoid to confront on a daily basis. Maybe if on a weekend I have some time I would open it just to rearrange the things and then forget it for the rest of the week. The only use it finds through the week is as a mirror.
Behind the cupboard lie things now unknown to me. I remember chucking some useless stuff behind it in the gap between the wall and the cupboard. But the dust of time has changed the appearance of most of those things. I can’t identify them anymore. And perhaps that is the corner of my room I am most afraid to go into.
A whole quarter of my room is occupied by a mattress given away by a friend as she moved to another city. I rarely sleep on that mattress. It is all covered with my clothes, books and bags. The mattress is just visible in-between things, in some patches .
Just opposite to the mattress is the small table which houses the various idols I have. A place of worship. A place where I keep my faith, secured. I do spend time there, but not more than 10 minutes. But I spend that time daily
The fan goes around with a squealing sound as if something inside is broken. Nonetheless, it still works. Moonlight comes in through the window. My room has a fairly huge window with glass panels. I rarely open it, the glass allows the light to come in and leaves the noise out. But then sometimes I pull in the curtains for I do not like the light always.
The door, how can I forget the door! The only way into the room. From the door looks down on me, my favourite poster of The Iron Man and also a Bat-sign placed just above it. Somehow looking at the Bat-sign and The Iron Man poster is the most comforting sight of my whole room. But if I close the door I would lose the sight of them. Have I been keeping the door closed too often lately?
Is this even making sense or I have gone crazy beyond repair?
As I said earlier it just seems like someone peeked inside my mind and created the ambience of my room. Or has this happened by itself? Something which is bound to happen. Maybe the world is not so fluid as it seems. Maybe there is just one state to which all things want to tend.
Is there a cosmic pattern that is revealing itself upon me? Are all things just manifestation of something else? And it is just the matter of scale. Why else would a tiny particle of dust resemble a mountain? Why the atomic model so much resemble the cosmic systems?
Is there a common code which reveals in everything and everyone? As if repeating itself over and over in all forms, shapes and sizes. And we are just too busy in looking at the variations that we miss the commonality. Maybe it is something which was once known to us but we have lost it over the time. The knowledge of trivial things has replaced the wisdom of universe.
Why else our old teach us to greet each other by saying Namaste? A simple word which we might use several times in a single day, still missing the meaning of it. Namaste (Namh + Aste)- I bow to the one that resides in you. What is this that is said to reside in all of us. Isn’t it the connecting link, the cosmic code.
Isn’t it the same thing that is inside my mind and in my room.
“When we are young we look forward to future, but as we grow old we start looking back” – J. Krishnamurthy
Just back from a Euphoria gig at Shaniwarwada fort in Pune. Palash Sen said “Euphoria completes 12 years in 2011. We debuted with a strange sounding song ‘Dhoom Pichak’…” This statement brought back a sudden flash of memory. There are some memories imbibed in your mind which are sharp as a Kitana, clear as a Crystal and crisp as a Papad. No matter how old you grow it stay the same way.
I remember discussing about this song with a senior school mate of mine. She belonged to a bunch of kids who shared the same auto-rickshaw to go to and come back from school. (I was also a part of that bunch). I remember there were 10 of us and we used to fit in a single auto-rickshaw. (Nothing unusual for us Indians 😉 ).
“It starts off well but gets boring in the middle.” She commented when I curiously asked about the song. The song had started airing on TV in a few seconds promo and she had bought the cassette(Yes! Cassette. No CD/MP3 download). Her cold review didn’t dull my enthusiasm for the song and I waited till I had saved enough amount from my Pocket Money to buy the cassette. I instantly fell in love with the song.
“…we surely have come a long way” Palash Sen had said. “And so have I” I thought. Contemplating, what you were at some point in time and what you are now can be dangerous. It is like sticking hand into a bee hive. You put your hand to fetch sweet honey and what you might get is an angry swarm of bees. I kind of refrain from going down that path. But as Yudhishthir said in his answer to Yaksha that the fastest thing in this universe is the mind(Not Light, you dumbass western meat bags). My mind was already onto it.
The first thing I remember from those days is how painful was it for me to go to school. I hated that. Sometimes when my cousins came over to my place we used to devise plans to avoid school.(It worked a lot of times). I remember once a guy from the other section asked me that whether I am the same guy who came to school only once a week. I was annoyed by the very idea of wearing knickers (half-pants :P). I was so uncomfortable with girls (especially the pretty ones) that I took every opportunity to avoid them. I was shy, timid and hardly spoke a word in public (I know many won’t believe this). I remember during the science class even I knew answer to any question I would not stand up to speak, instead I used to tell that to my partner(as in w shared the same bench) who used to answer the question.(and obviously got the credit) Once I was to do a role in a class activity where I had to play the Weather man in a mock News Bulletin. I had my line written on a piece of paper. When I stood up infront of audience of 40 people, I chickened out without saying a word. The teacher yelled “Kanungo you have your lines written. Read that.” I didn’t. I was a school bully’s favorite. Even guys who were my friends didn’t spare me (Now I know how much they would’ve enjoyed. Bastards).
Going by my parents word I was a dream kid. Why? Because I never nagged for anything. If they told me to keep quite I did that. If they told me to eat I did that.
(I don’t know why I am writing all this??….NO I am not drunk)
Now my mind is overloaded. This is not the first time that such thoughts came to me. Few weeks ago I was travelling on a bus to Indore and person sitting next to me was puking like a hydrant. At that I remembered how sick I used to get while travelling by a bus. (it still haunts me)
If I look at myself now the motion sickness is gone, but I have started nagging for things that I know are senseless. I am amazed to find how I have changed (not saying it as good or bad) or probably I haven’t. It is just the morphosis of my self-image. (Sorry. Have been reading psychology off late). I leave it to people who know me(read YOU) to decide this. This is not just about me, I wrote this from my perspective, but each one of us will surely find interesting things that have happened to them and their personality during the journey of his/her life which have shaped the way they are now. It is just that we never reflect on this. And also that person, who you think once you were, still remains somewhere inside you, under the hood of your ‘now’.
As Euphoria’s song goes “…तेरे होठों की छिपी हंसी में, मैं महफूज़ हूँ”
I ride to my place and Harivanshrai Bachchan’s famous poem lingers in my mind.
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।
जिस दिन मेरी चेतना जगी मैंने देखा
मैं खड़ा हुआ हूँ इस दुनिया के मेले में,
हर एक यहाँ पर एक भुलाने में भूला
हर एक लगा है अपनी अपनी दे-ले में
कुछ देर रहा हक्का-बक्का, भौचक्का-सा,
आ गया कहाँ, क्या करूँ यहाँ, जाऊँ किस जा?
फिर एक तरफ से आया ही तो धक्का-सा
मैंने भी बहना शुरू किया उस रेले में,
क्या बाहर की ठेला-पेली ही कुछ कम थी,
जो भीतर भी भावों का ऊहापोह मचा,
जो किया, उसी को करने की मजबूरी थी,
जो कहा, वही मन के अंदर से उबल चला,
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला